A Walking Miracle Last weekend, one of my favourite hawkers told me that it was his 60th birthday. I froze because I had no idea what the appropriate response should be. Should I give him a gift? He went on to say that someone gave him a gift weighing half a kg. Then, my brain hung because I wondered what significance the weight of a gift had for a 60th birthday. He spoke in Chinese and that a half a kg thingy he mentioned sounded like "elephant." So, I wondered if I should give him an elephant figurine. I do have celadon elephants in my gift drawers (where I keep a stash of purchases that can be used as gifts in times when I need one urgently and have no time to shop). There was just too much to process. I had no idea how to respond. So, I fled. I did not even wish him Happy Birthday. That, dear readers, is the reality of living inside my little autistic brain. I wake up every morning conscious of the fact that I am a walking miracle. Anybody with half a brain can see that Dr. Pet is completely unqualified to teach EQ. Why? Because Dr. Pet is autistic. Yet, the reality is that, in the past 8 years, children have come through my tuition centre and gone away learning.... - how to resolve conflict - how to influence - how to lead - how to be kind - how to be considerate - how to control emotions. Fathers I have never met, ring on my doorbell and offer me warm words of thanks, saying, "My family life has changed because you have changed my wife." It is said that God does not choose the qualified. Instead, God qualifies the chosen. I wake up every morning keenly aware that I am a poorly qualified walking miracle. I am the weakest, the least able and the most unlikely person to be teaching children how to lead, and parents how to love. Years ago, I read 2 books by Bruce Wilkinson: - The Prayer of Jabez - Secrets of the Vine Today, I was reminded of them because my life has taken a turn that I cannot explain unless I go back to the prayers that these 2 books taught me to pray. The Prayer of Jabez The actual Jabez Prayer has 4 parts: - God, please bless me. - God, please enlarge my territories. - God, please keep me from evil. - God, please prevent me from causing pain. Somehow, from the Jabez Prayer, I retained 2 things only. For the past 20 years, since reading the book, I pray a small daily prayer, a few times a day. (1) God, keep me from evil. Make me good. I want to be a good girl. (2) God, bless me. The Secrets of the Vine The Secrets of the Vine taught me that my life must bear fruit. It also taught me that I cannot bear fruit unless I am a branch connected at all times to God, the vine. The Secrets of the Vine spoke to me. I wanted my life to bear fruit. I did not want to be someone who lived and died, without bearing any fruit. At first, my desire was to bear 3 plumper than plump clusters of grapes: The Husband, The Son and The Daughter. My desire was that I would nourish these three with the high quality spiritual nourishment that I drew from God. Connected to God the Vine, I would be the branch to nourish into fruition THREE of the heaviest clusters of grapes that I personally knew. That desire has come true. Meanwhile, I still continue to pray everyday... (1) God, make me good. I want to be a good girl. (2) God, bless me. What I did not expect was that The Jabez Prayer, even when only half prayed, comes wholly true. Enlarged Territories + More Fruit On the Vine I did NOT pray to have my territories enlarged. Yet, God has placed Skinny Grape Children under my care who have slowly fattened up into juicy clusters of sweet grapes, some of them holding the promise of being heavier and more juicy than my own children. One child came to me with a propensity for violence. He could not be trusted in team sports because he liked to talk with his fists. This one even kicked his School Principal. He has since become humble, loving and gentle. Pistachio loves him. Another joined me, sour and dour. She fought with her parents at home. She disliked her friends in school. At home, she was sulky and uncooperative. She is now happy in school, cheerful and wise at home. Yet another was passive-aggressive. He arrived at the centre guarded and rebellious. He has since matured into a leader his peers respect. Yet another arrived saying, "How much are you paying Dr. Pet, Mama? You should withdraw me from her class you know because it is not worth the money. You are only funding her big house." His mother laughed when she told me this, amused that a boy of 9 could think up this reason to not come for Dr. Pet's classes. At home, he challenged his Mom, "I don't see the point of doing so much school HW." His attitude to school has now improved, and he is one of my most enthusiastic students. Another child wanted to be bribed for attending my classes. Her relationship with her parents was so poor that she threatened to call the police on them. Don't get me wrong. The parents had done nothing to deserve the police at their door. I am simply trying to describe how toxic the emotional environment, in the home, was. This child has since become agreeable and cooperative. The last I heard, she is adamant to stay in my class. So now, my territories have been enlarged because my influence is reaching into families. Parents love better and children are happier because of me (or more accurately, because of God in me). As a branch connected to God, the Vine, I am now bearing more than 3 clusters of grapes. Ambivalence I must say that I am rather ambivalent about what is happening. I had thought that I had reached a sweet spot in my life where I could exercise a lot, work only a little and still be able to get by. To my dismay, last week, I was so busy that I had no time to exercise. There are too many parents to coach. I know myself. I hate working hard. I love playing and lazing around. The thought came, "Why do this? Why bother? Life as you know it will change, now that The Collaboration Corner is in Upper Bukit Timah." Then, something prompted me to dig out my old book, The Prayer of Jabez. I quote from there. The Cycle of Blessings As you repeat the steps, you will set in motion a cycle of blessing that will keep multiplying what God is able to do in and through you. This is the exponential growth. You have asked for and received more blessing, more territory, more power, and more protection. The growth curve soon starts to spike upwards. As the cycle repeats itself, you'll find that you are steadily moving into wider spheres of blessing and influence, spiraling ever outward and upward into the larger life for God. The day will come - and come repeatedly during your life - that you will be overwhelmed with God's graciousness ... The cycle of blessings will give your life a good testing. Will you let God work in your life regardless of what He chooses? It will always be for your best. Will you surrender to His power and love and SURPRISING plan for you? Note that I have underlined the word "surprising." I am surprised. I am also unsure. I am also a little scared. However, re-reading The Prayer of Jabez has given me strength and confidence. I will follow this path for as long as God signs me to follow. I will not stress. I will not worry. All that I have done so far, was not really my credit anyway. It has always been God, and only He. For more such articles...
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Let us call her Faith. Faith was in P3. She entered the class with eyes which darted every which way. Her eyes explored everything except the worksheet. When her friends were discussing, she moved behind the mini whiteboard, doodled, played with the duster. I diagnosed "addiction to computer games." Her parents took her off computer games completely. The child stayed resolutely dense. Once, in class, I reviewed with her how to spell a certain word. We reviewed it 10 times. Each time, she spelled it wrong immediately after. I made a mental note to myself. Something else was at play because no one can be that slow. I diagnosed "buat bodoh syndrome." See HERE. I gave her parents the normal solution to "buat bodoh syndrome." This only half-fixed the problem. Faith calibrated her slowness to learn. She never again was unbelievably slow to learn. Yet, she was not fast. Faith's parents pitied this poor child. They sincerely believed that Faith was so dumb that they needed to spend more time with her than with Faith's brother, Gideon. I had a different view. For months, I felt an undercurrent of a sharp intelligence. Faith's Mama was a very intelligent woman who had built up a small Mom and Pop business inherited from her parents into a regional presence. If IQ is inherited, how can Faith be so dumb? Further, I saw impressive flashes of Faith's intelligence when I set up controlled experiments in class to surface it. It was like glimpsing the fox spirit's tail. When you see a tail peeking out even ONCE from under the dress of a fox spirit in human form, you know it is there. For some reason that I could not fathom, Faith went to great lengths to hide her impressive intelligence. Even though I had spent months mapping the family dynamics, the root of Faith's issue escaped me until one day, when parent coaching Faith's mama, I heard Faith's mama say, "If she cannot make it academically, we will let her run our company." Remember that my PhD in Business, is in Human Motivation? I saw the root of Faith's issue immediately, then! The incentive system was completely inappropriate! I said, "Mama, you are incentivising incompetence. You spend more time with the incompetent one and you promise her the inheritance if she is incompetent. You need to do the exact opposite!" So, Faith's mama had a talk with her 2 children - Faith and Gideon. This was what she said, "The company is my 3rd child. I need this 3rd child to ensure my old age. I will only dare to entrust this child to the person who can show me that he/she is able to take it and grow it. If neither of you succeed academically, it shows me that you are not intelligent enough to help my company prosper. I will sell the company and use the money for my retirement. That is better than giving it to you and having you run it into the ground." For Faith, it was like turning on a switch. Overnight, her intelligence became plain for all to see. Faith's intelligence far surpassed even my expectations. She was so good at pretending to be stupid that she fooled even me! Now, I know that it takes a very intelligent person to act stupid convincingly. Faith was very convincing. Someone who could not spell a word 10 times immediately after reviewing it, has just passed up a moving and vivid composition with NO spelling mistake. If you are an intelligent family with a child who looks stupid, GetInTouch or LikeOurFaceBook, by clicking the buttons below. They were twins. 2 girls from the same egg. Hence, genetically identical. When they joined me, one was a thriving overachiever and the other was a flagging underperformer. The younger one, whom we will call Martha, was a go getting charmer. She knew how to put herself forward to get attention and affection from authority figures. The older one, whom we will call Mary, was introverted and retiring. She hung back and refused to compete whilst her twin sister reached out to grab parental time, attention and approval. Their mother connected better with the younger and more assertive daughter. That was not surprising. Martha knew what she wanted and if she wanted her mother's love and affection, she knew how to turn on the charm to get it. Mary simply hung back because she was afraid of her more assertive twin. Over time, Martha shone in every area. This was not surprising to me. She was well resourced with love, affection and parental approval. Over time Mary retreated into her own shell. If she competed for parental love, affection and approval, her sister would turn on her. However, without as much parental love, affection and approval, Mary's spirits flagged. The twins' Mama complained that it was hard to get Mary to even complete schoolwork. She dawdled. She dreamed. She dragged her feet lethargically. Mama could not see the web of dynamic interactions within her own family, that was starving her Mary of the emotional resources to pour into achieving. When it came time to test into the Gifted Education Programme, Martha made it in. Mary did not. That was around the time that they entered my class. Readers, please note that these 2 children are genetically identical. If IQ is genetic, these 2 should have the exact same IQ. Why did one make it in and the other did not? I observed the girls' interactions in class. When Mary got a SkipHWCoupon for good HW done, from me, she would quietly slip into her bag. When Martha got a SkipHWCoupon from me, she would march over to Mary and gloat, waving her coupon in Mary's face. Mary's face would fall. In class with me, Mary's body language was drawn in, humble. She tried her best not to get noticed. Martha smiled and was full of small gestures aimed at gaining my goodwill. I found Martha endearing. Who would not? However, with my autistic pattern finding eyes, I was also seeing family dynamics that gave me cause for concern. Even more, my high affective empathy as an autistic person, gave me pain because I absorbed Mary's pain every time she came off 2nd best, and she came off 2nd best very often. As neurotypical readers, imagine that you are Mary. Day in and day out, someone in your family grabs emotional resources essential to your wellbeing. Teachers, parents and grandparents were all drawn towards Martha, who converted their approval and affection into motivational energy. As for you, you did not even dare to compete for these resources for fear of Martha's displeasure. Martha was well resourced and strong. Mary was starving and weak. Think a litter of puppies where the runt of the litter does not get enough milk because he is not strong enough to fight for a teat on his Mama's belly. This is Sibling Cannibalism. So, I intervened. I coached their Mama. I also laid down OB markers for the girls. The girls joined me in Sept of their P3 year. By Semestral Assessment of their P4 year, Mary topped the mainstream cohort in Nanyang Primary. There was no direct competition with Martha, who was, by then, in GEP in Nanyang Primary. By PSLE, Mary achieved a higher t-score than Martha, who was burnt out by the demands of the GEP. If you have issues with sibling rivalry, GetInTouch &/or LikeOurFaceBook, by clicking the buttons below. |
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January 2022
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